I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
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Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
*limbos under the caution tape
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never