I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
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Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
New comic up. “Ransom”
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.