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If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
I’m already scared
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic