MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
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ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening