“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
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Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Stop sending me this shit.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe