fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
You Might Also Like
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
So that’s what we looked like?
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio