A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
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[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy