Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
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I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Leaving the Barbers like
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better