They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
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5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
😏😏😏
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral