*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
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me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
A bold strategy
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too