To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
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WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Squirrels before girls.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too