Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
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A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
i wish i could marry a nap
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude