I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
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If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
I have a new favorite meme page
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Me as a therapist: omg same
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits