I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
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The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first