To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
You Might Also Like
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
I love snow
– People who never shovel
oh good, now I can stop drinking
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit