at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
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[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Phones down.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241