What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
You Might Also Like
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize