Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
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Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Tastes like chicken.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.