The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
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I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Always…
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Plant care tips
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.