[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
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[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Not today. 😅
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman