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[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either