Guys, I found it.
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Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.