Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
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Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
secret recipe
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?