Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
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I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
My work here is done
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*