Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
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You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.