[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
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in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Kids, do not try this at home!
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
spicy snake
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets