coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
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Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket