Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
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bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it