ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
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Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Good morning y’all ☀️
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.