The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
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Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Broom by every window for quick escape.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen