I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
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The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.