It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
You Might Also Like
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.