The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
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I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today