ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
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they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta