“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
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°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid