Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
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Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
If looks could kill
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.