I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
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“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
what
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone