People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
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I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
A sick whale is called an unwhale
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently