I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
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We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?