Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
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If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.