I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
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*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.