I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
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Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don鈥檛 know yet.
Ok. I鈥檒l call back later.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I鈥檓 hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that鈥檚 not human, I don鈥檛 know what is.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
They鈥檙e the worst 馃槱
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
I鈥檒l take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.