They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
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ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
listen closely
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”