You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
You Might Also Like
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*