Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
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Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
*limbos under the caution tape
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich