If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
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My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home