There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
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Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.