Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
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Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Happy Caturday!
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Practicing safe sax
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.