processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
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Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Who says great literature is dead?
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS