If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
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Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.